I was 10. It was a moonpie. A luscious. Chocolate. Sweet. Moonpie.
I was 12. It was Lemonheads and Boston Baked Beans.
I was 20. Home from college. Mom’s lasagna. Cheesy goodness that held on tight and would not let go for the next 22 years.
My weight has been an issue for me most of my life. I remember the first time I couldn’t button my pants and my tummy bulged over the waistband of my khakis. I was in the 4th grade.
I remember the first time a man showed interest in me, and it wasn’t because of my sparkling personality. “I can’t believe I’m in a size 6,” I said. “You’ll be a size 2 in no time,” he replied. Two months later I was in fact a size 2. I was 26.
My journey with my weight and wellness has been long and hard.
But of course it has been. Everyone’s journey with being overweight is like standing in the middle of the ocean--- water, water everywhere but not a drop to drink. Impossible.
I was defeated. I was discouraged. I was done.
In July of 2013, my best friend and I decided to start losing weight. We would encourage each other reporting what we had eaten, good and bad. Pushing each other to stand strong in the face of adversity- cheese dip, chocolate, pimento cheese, french fries-- just to name a few. Nivada would help me come up with WODs (Workouts of the Day) that I could do on my off period. I would walk against the flow of traffic after school. I would use a kettle bell and the rowing machine. All the while, Nivada gave up her time to encourage me, coach me, and laugh at me while I tried to do Burpees.
It was glorious. I was eating well. I was exercising, and I had a community of people around me to hold me accountable. By the end of the school year (2013-2014), I had lost 20 lbs.
But it was the end of the school year. Routines changed. Excuses became more readily available. I needed to lose 20 more lbs to be healthy. That didn’t happen. Somehow I maintained the 20 lb weight loss over the summer despite caving into adversity and not exercising at all. Then the school year (2014-2015) started back. I attempted healthy choices and packing an exercise bag. I laced up my shoes and ran once or twice. But I wasn’t serious. Nivada said, “You’re not mad enough yet.” That got me. That was part of it. I also wasn’t willing to say “No” to veggie dip and ice cream and of course...cheese dip.
I didn’t want to have to give those things up. I tried “portion control” and while I might not binge in the moment. The choice I had made to have a small portion of something unhealthy led to more bad choices and a slippery slope that I could not manage.
What I just described has been my story since I was 10 years old.
Weight gain. Weight loss. Feeling good. I deserve that cheese dip. Shame. Guilt. Defeated. Discouraged. Done. Weight gain. Weight loss. Feeling good. I deserve that ice cream. Shame. Guilt. Defeated. Ice Cream. Discouraged. Cheetos. Done. Weight gain. Weight loss. Weight gain. Weight Loss. Are you exhausted? Exactly.
Well, I finally got mad enough. I finally knew I needed to get in touch with what was going on internally. I had tried many, many times. I had filled many a journal with my woes of discouragement and just plain frustration at the inability to say “No.” I just could not stand up to my own justification and rationalization when it came to food...coffee creamer, sugar, cheese, candy, chips...the list goes on. We all have a list. That sacred list. My list was long and sacred. Don’t make me give up my list.
But I was so tired of the cycle. At this point, I have to tell you that I am a person of faith. And it is this faith, God’s strength and His grace and power that have gotten me to this point. Because of His help, my best friend holding me accountable, and Nivada checking on me faithfully, I have lost 40 lbs. It has taken me almost 2 years. Well, really 32 years, if you count all the way back to the moonpie.
I am thankful beyond anything I could ever express to be on this side of that moonpie. My journey and my mental adjustment is far from over. Even tonight, I asked my husband to throw away the carton of ice cream in the freezer. I am very aware that in a moment of weakness, celebration, or stress that exhausting cycle can begin again.
And so my choices have to be different this time. I have to continue to make the sacrifices. Some days it’s easy. Other days it’s a mental battle that keeps me in a bit of a tailspin especially after a stressful day with students. (Can I get an “AMEN?!?!)
So far, I have just tried to live in each moment. This journey has helped me rearrange my priorities. Last week, we celebrated Max’s 5th birthday. Ironically, he loves cheese dip. Instead of gorging on cheese dip and spending my mental and emotional energy fighting off the shame and guilt of that choice, I got to look beyond the bowl and see what I do have in my life. I was able to be present to see my two beautiful happy boys and my handsome and supportive husband who I love deeply.
Please don’t misunderstand. There are moments that I’m present for in my life that I wish would go away...my happy boys wrestling each other in Publix….my supportive husband not cooperating with me when I know I’m right and he should know it too. These moments happen. And boy do I wish there was pimento cheese in the fridge. But there’s not. There are fizzy waters, but no cheese.
It’s a one day at a time kind of journey with a lot of vegetables and protein.
The work God is doing on the inside of me is hard, but I’m so thankful that He is undoing the bad and replacing it with good. Not just numbers on the scale going down kind of good...but the kind of good that matters long after those new, skinny clothes have gone out of style.
I’m excited to see what I will learn next...a little bit scared, but mostly excited.
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